I just wonder how many people suffer in silence everyday with something and no one knows about it. They put the mask on of "Everything is alright!" "I'm fine", when in reality, there is such turmoil and despair. How many are pretending to be well when they actually are not? Why am I mentioning this? Well, I have been putting on the mask of "I have to stay strong because everything is going to be alright." The truth of the matter, it will be alright, but sometimes your inner most being don't truly believe that yet. Being a believer, you have faith however, sometimes the soul ache, wounds, or the pain can be very loud. This is just reality. No one told me that being Christian is easy or fun all the time, however, the difference is that I do have Jesus. And I may not feel Him all the time but I know He is here with me.
David was called a "man after God's own heart", after he sinned by murder and adultery. In the midst of being chased by his enemies and at times probably feeling very alone and lonely he always acknowledge God in the midst of it, praised Him in spite of his circumstances, and worship God anyhow.
Regardless of how my soul is feeling, needing, wanting at the end of it all---I must have you Jesus. You are the only one the can fill this void of loneliness that is in my heart. Why am I lonely? You can be in a crowd of people and still be lonely, sometimes you don't know why, you just know there is void that needs to be filled. For me, I've been single for six years, waiting on my husband---I'm 30 now, and after saying I am going to just focus on my God-given purpose, and who God's calling me to be---it doesn't change the desire to want to be enjoyed and to love someone. I want to fall in love and be in love, and I would love the company and the companionship of the opposite sex. I am meant to be married, not single for the rest of my life and the reality of being single isn't satisfying like it use to be---God said "man is not meant to be alone" that's why He created Eve for Adam---and I know this is God's will for me as well.
Anyway, there are days where I just don't know what to do with myself---so I find more activities, I try to encourage others in their struggle, I focus on getting my life together--but the void may dim down but every once in awhile, it peeks its head out to let me know it is still there. Yet, I know God will see me through this and give me all I need. He will perfect that which concerns me. And even when loneliess sometimes get louder than my own heart beat---I know He is there with me. Even in the midst of this right now---I am thinking of you, God, knowing that you are here even when I can not feel anything at all. Regardless of the ache where my souls cries out to be touched---faith rises up, hope rises up, my spirit rises up and stands to declare: I will trust in the Lord with all my heart, leaning not on my own understanding, however acknowledging you in all my ways knowing you will direct my path. You said NOTHING, can separate me from Your marvelous love---not even my thoughts or emotions about myself. You said, NEVER will you leave me nor forsake me. You said, You love me with your UNFAILING love. You said all of this as your promises to me. And in the midst of the noise of my thoughts; the cloudiness of my emotions; and even the cries of my heart---you are Here God to pull me out of the pit of despair and rescue me. Jesus, you are life to me and even when I feel alone and my life is at snail pace or things are not going according to plan---I will put my hope in you; I will put my trust in you. Your words hold perfect, pure, holy, and true. And the truth is you are the greatest Friend I could ever have. At the end of all of this---the most wonderful thing is that I am known by you, loved, by you, and thought of by you. You think of me as your Beloved; your Friend; Your Baby girl; Your Daughter.
Where am I? I am living my story. One sentence at a time, one paragraph at a time, one page at a time and one chapter at a time. And in this story, there isn't a conclusion because even after this life is over on this side--there is a whole another adventure to come in eternity with Him. And this story right now that I am living is life breathing; life giving; filled with hope, great joy, action and stories of triumphs and victories. And the leading man in my life in this story is JESUS CHRIST. I know God, you have great plans for me, and greater things are coming not just soon but in the months ahead. And as much as I would love to know what is in the next chapter of my life---it's best not to know because it would take the fun out of discovering.
